Sorry, not sorry: learning to say ‘NO’ sans the guilt
- Simran Wagle
- Apr 25
- 4 min read
Updated: May 31
The power of saying no can transform your life!
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” –Paulo Coelho
We all know that person. The one who says “yes” to everything. They’re at every party, the go-to volunteer for every task, always buzzing with energy like they’re powered by espresso shots and pure serotonin. Meanwhile, you’re on the couch, scrolling through reels, wondering how they’re pulling off backflips through life while you’re just trying to survive the daily grind.
It’s not magic—it’s something I like to call the “Yes I’m in, bro!” syndrome. And yes, guilty as charged. I’ve suffered from this affliction at times, too. If you, too, struggle to say “no” without feeling like the worst person alive, welcome to the club.
The roots of the “YES” reflex
In my experience, this syndrome usually stems from two places: a brutal case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) or chronic people-pleasing. You say yes because you’re scared of being left out, or worse, disliked.
Sound familiar? A couple of years back, I was doom-scrolling through YouTube (as one does) when I stumbled upon a wellness video. I can’t remember the title to save my life, but it said something like, “It’s time to ditch the yes-man lifestyle and start reclaiming your peace.” Did I watch the whole thing? Of course not. But the first two minutes stuck with me. It planted a seed—why is it so hard to say no?
It’s strange. Something as obvious as “just say no” needed a viral video to convince me that saying no doesn’t always translate to rudeness—I’m just protecting my peace. Saying no isn’t rocket science, but it is a form of self-respect. And not everyone is taught how to practice it.
Meet the inner voices: Kiko vs. Kiki
Let me introduce you to two of the most frequent thought patterns. I’ve named them Kiko and Kiki, and they live rent-free in our head. Kiko is the chaotic, ever-enthusiastic energy ball. He’s the “yes” guy. His motto? “Say yes to life!” or more accurately, “I have crippling FOMO but let’s pretend I’m just really social.” Kiko is the person who never says no to favours, to dinner plans, to 17 different group chats with clashing schedules.
He is magnetic, charming, and borderline exhausting. But here’s the kicker—Kiko needs this chaos. It gives him purpose. Like many of us Millennials and older Gen Zs, his self-worth is tied to his productivity. The busier he is, the better he feels.
On the flip side, there’s Kiki - the one who says “no” without flinching. Drinks after dinner? “No, I want to go home and rest.” A trip with friends? “No, I’m saving up for something else.” And for the longest time, I thought Kiki was rude. Like, how dare she turn down plans so casually? Were we not her priority?
But then I grew up. I realised Kiki wasn’t being rude—she was setting boundaries. And that thin, blurry line between self-love and selfishness? Kiki knows exactly where to draw it. Whether you agree or not? She doesn’t give a damn.
The truth is, we all have a Kiko and a Kiki living in our heads. One thrives on “yes,” the other champions “no.” And every day, there’s a silent tug-of-war between the two. Who wins? That’s entirely up to us.
When “Yes” Comes at a Cost
Let’s be real: saying “no” isn’t easy. Turn down too many plans, and you become that person—the one who “never shows up,” who’s always MIA (missing in action).
We’re taught from a young age that being liked means being agreeable. Obeying authority. Pleasing others. Guilt was often the tool used to sculpt the “perfect” child. Sure, some of that made sense when we were three and wanted to play with a chef’s knife. But somehow, we carried that guilt into adulthood. Now, even saying no to a dinner plan triggers a strange paralysis. You worry about letting someone down. You worry about missing out. You worry about seeming selfish.
But here’s what I’ve learned: you cannot be everywhere. You cannot please everyone. You cannot do everything. Sometimes, it’s okay to cancel a plan, stay in your jammies and fall asleep within 15 minutes into a Netflix movie because you're just that tired. And if you're battling that inner guilt while lying there like a potato? Yup, been there too.
So, who wins: Kiko or Kiki?
For most of us, the tug-of-war between these two voices is ongoing. Some days, Kiko wins. You say yes. You show up. You overextend. Other days, Kiki speaks louder. You opt out. You recharge. You prioritise yourself.
The goal isn’t to shut one out entirely, but to strike a balance. The kind that keeps your relationships strong, your peace intact, and your soul well-rested.
The big takeaway: say “YES” to YOU
As a generation, we’ve mastered the art of the hustle. But now, we’re learning the equally important art of rest. Of protecting our peace. Of saying “yes” only when it truly serves us.
The power of “no” might just be your new best friend. It won’t always be easy. There will still be moments of FOMO. Moments where you question yourself.
But is saying no bringing more relief than regret? If yes, that’s your answer, right there. As for me? I’m still a work in progress. Some days, Kiko wins. Some days, Kiki. But at least now, I know I get to choose.